"Coming Out" - Stepping Into my Full Authentic Self

In honor of all of the brave souls who stepped into their authentic beautiful selves yesterday on National Coming Out Day, I want to do the same today.

(DEEP BREATH – here I go.) My very first love was a woman – or a girl, really. I was 16 and my best friend, Lisa, was being distant. “Why is she mad at me?” I wondered. “What did I do wrong??” Eventually, she wrote me a letter: “I love you.” Naïve and relieved, I chirped, “I LOVE YOU TOO!!” To which she replied, “No, I really love you.” It took me weeks to understand what she meant and months to realize that I felt the same way.

Lisa was the first person who loved me completely and unconditionally. Everything I hated about myself, Lisa loved. She cherished my faults, delighted in my quirks and was my #1 fan. Our relationship felt so good.

I was so happy, I wanted to tell people about her but I couldn’t. I told one friend that I had a boyfriend named “Lee” and simultaneously, I dreamt that one day Lisa would have a sex change so that we could be together forever. One day, I realized that I wanted to date boys - to go to homecoming and one day have a groom. I wanted our relationship - but with a guy - and I’ve been searching for it ever since.

Trying to "define" this - to define me has been a tremendous source of deep pain and confusion in my life. Today, I let it go. Today I take one step in the direction of being and loving my true, authentic self. Of living my unique PURPOSE. I'm not "gay" or "straight" or even "bisexual". My soul can love any other soul - period. And I think this is true of us all.

I dedicate this blog to Lisa. I am forever grateful for her love. Today, she identifies as "gay" and I identify as "straight", but really, we’re the same. We love with pure hearts. And that's what this world is all about. 

Sending you love and courage to let go and let your light shine!

xo,

Carin

Follow Your DREAMS: How I followed mine to be a "Professional Cheerleader"

I always wanted to be a Cheerleader. Every Saturday growing up, my parents took my siblings and me to University of Michigan football games. While they watched the play on the field, I was fascinated with the cheerleaders. They were fun, exciting and got a crowd of 111,000 people on their feet and HAPPY! By age 6, I declared my dream: I wanted to be a Cheerleader when I grew up! 

This dream was well and good until I tried out for the high school cheerleading squad and realized one important thing: I couldn't do the splits OR a cartwheel. My dream ended there. 

As I got older and people asked me what I wanted to "be" when I grew up, I didn't know. I was creative, so I went into marketing. In fact, I did everything "right" according to the "American dream". I married a handsome lawyer, I was getting promotions at work and we owned a big house in the suburbs and a beautiful golden retriever. Yet by 25, I cried every day, feeling miserable and stuck. I wanted to move to the City, feel excited about work, happy in love and life, but I couldn't do any of those things. I remember thinking almost daily "This is it - this is all there is to life."

Then on March 3, 2001, everything changed. It was my grandfather's birthday and though I didn’t usually go to synagogue, he was going and it was a nice escape. As I entered, my heart leapt. In the pew behind Grandpa stood Ida, my former youth group advisor. I broke down crying in her arms. She assured me it would be okay, then gave me advice: Become a youth group advisor. Within weeks I began volunteering with 40 high school girls who were filled with hopes and dreams. I found myself encouraging them to love themselves, to pursue their dreams, to be their best selves. I became their confidant and cheerleader and they became mine. I realized how much I love coaching others and I was EXCITED! I ended up getting a divorce and through the process, I led an online women’s support group of other divorcees. I then clearly heard the higher calling: I am meant to encourage women to love themselves and live fulfilling lives. I am meant to be a professional "cheerleader." But how could this be this a “career”? 

Fear crept in. I spent years researching masters programs but lost hope. I found myself again in unhealthy relationships and unfulfilling jobs. I bought a nicer car and a boat but I could hardly get out of bed I was so ashamed and empty. Then in 2008, life changed when a man followed me home and held me up at gunpoint. Knelt on the floor, I begged for my life. I made G-d a promise: If you let me live, I will pursue my dreams - I will live my purpose. With that the man took my purse and ran. 

Just months later a friend wrote to me: "You're always so positive, have you seen this?" It was a link to Penn’s Positive Psychology program. Though my father told me it was the stupidest decision he's ever heard, I sold my boat, quit my job and moved to Philadelphia. It was the best decision of my life. Today, I am a coach helping people find their purpose and overcome fears to pursue their dreams. I speak with women at corporations such as Avon and Morgan Stanley about how to be successful and happy. I teach Positive Psychology at Penn and I love being the cheerleader to my students, my clients, my friends and family that I was always meant to be. I am living my DREAM and I feel blessed beyond measure! 

I hope my story encourages you to pursue your dreams. Remember - EVERYTHING is possible when you follow your passion and BELIEVE in yourself. 

xoxo,

Carin

Change is Hard... Or is it?

Change is hard. Or so we commonly believe. We become comfortable in our daily routines, we get used to our habitual ways and so we resist change. And yet, we deeply want it. We yearn for a deeper relationship, a different job, to lose weight or to begin a new healthy habit. 

Of course we do…  Change is natural. It is part of the biorhythm of life. Just look outside at the bright red and yellow leaves that are beginning to appear. Consider how a woman’s body changes to become a mother. In fact, according to research at Stanford, our skin completely regenerates in 7 days and all of our cells are replaced every 7 years. Put simply, change is as essential and organic as living itself, so naturally our bodies and brains and souls crave it.

But how do we make the change we want? Often, we’ll wake up one day and say “That’s it – no more sweets!” Or we’ll hear a friend say “Forget it – I’m done with men!” And then weeks – or even days later, we find ourselves just having a little bite of cake or back online looking for a guy.

So what’s going wrong? I propose that we aren’t respecting the natural process of change. Change is not instantaneous. We don’t see a tree go from fully green one day to suddenly bright red the next. Change takes time. We need to honor this natural cycle and apply it to our own lives. As my friend and colleague, Louis Alloro says in SOMO (Social Emotional Leadership) Labs, change can be “full of ease and grace.”

First, we must be clear about the change we are hoping for. Not just that we want a different job, but specifically, what attributes of a workplace and colleagues matter, how do we want to feel about the work we do? Positive psychology, the scientific study of well-being, tells us that hope is very powerful in igniting change because it gives us agency to make change and it empowers us to develop the pathways to change. And change is made by creating new pathways. According to research out of MIT habits are neural pathways, or patterns, formed in our brain to quickly respond to certain triggers. This means that when your brain senses the trigger (ie: walking by a bakery), your brain is prompted back to the old habit. Routines or habits you’ve formed took time to establish and now you must take time to change them. You must accept, love yourself for it and then begin to create NEW neural pathways – new habits. For instance, when you walk by the bakery and your brain thinks “let’s eat!” – instead breathe, smile and then in mantra, “I am healthy”. Do this every time you walk by a bakery and begin to see the habit change.

Autumn is a natural time to reflect on the change you want in your life. I hope you use this cyclical gift of nature to get more of what you want in life.

For more tips and tools on change this Fall, check out HealthyStyleNY.com’s October 13 one-day retreat: Time for Change. 

I was on a Plane when the Towers Fell

‎11 years ago today I was on a plane headed to Atlanta. At 8:45 am, the pilot began circling... and circling. He said it was due to weather though the skies were blue and the sun bright. When we finally landed, I had no idea what had happened - just that I would be late to my meeting. Running through the airport, unfortunately, the TVs in the airport were turned off - in fact, the entire airport seemed quiet. Empty. Never could I have imagined what was happening on flights across the sky. Suddenly, my phone began ringing, as did the other passengers' phones as well. All of our families and friends calling to find out if we were ok - if it had been OUR plane that hit the World Trade Center. Luckily, my parents didn't have to suffer losing their child that day, but so many others making phone calls did. In memory of those who died, of the unborn children who died too, and in honor of those families whose children boarded planes at the same time I did - love and peace to you all. May we all be well, healthy, safe, secure, loving and happy.

When it Rains... Appreciate It

I just got caught in the POURING RAIN while running and it got me thinking - THIS is life. Sometimes, it rains. And we don't need to run from it - we need to run through it.

A few months ago, I woke up in a horrible mood. For no particular reason, I was just sad. I began crying, but I wasn't sure what I was crying about. My boyfriend and I had just begun dating and I was so embarrassed for him to see this side of me. Quickly, he pulled me into his arms and said, "It's okay, baby - this is your natural biorhythm."

My natural biorhythm. Right... I hadn't even realized that we have a biorhythm - but we do. Sometimes, I glow like the sun and sometimes I cry like the rain. Like a soft wave, my mood peaks and falls and peaks and falls, and both states are healthy.

If we can accept that rain is as natural and nourishing as the sun, we can begin to appreciate when it pours. We can find the gifts in our low biorhythm. Running just now, I realized how beautiful the rain is. The polka dot dimples it creates along the river, the streaming rays like diagonal glass rods shooting from the sky. Without the rain, grass wouldn't be green, crops wouldn't grow, low tide would suck life out of the sea. G-d created the rain just as he created flowers and trees and beauty so we can choose how we see it. We can appreciate it and run through it.

Ed's Purpose - Service

Two years ago today, I watched a friend drown.

I don't talk about this enough - or ever, really. But two years ago today, July 24, 2010 was the worst day of my life.

Weeks prior, my friend Ed asked me to take him out on my boat. Ed managed the garage in my condominium complex, and he was my dogwalker, but he was more - he was a friend. Ed gave me relationship advice and asked for it in return. He chatted with me about his dreams of being in the military, of wanting to impact others. I often woke up to a newly cleaned car or came home to a freshly bathed dog. Ed took care of me - of us all.

Ed knew I had a boat and he had never been on one, so I wanted to take him. Going out with me that day was a dream come true for him.  The day began beautifully - he was having the time of his life. He was laughing, singing, driving the boat, and taking photos. After about 45 minutes, we stopped to swim in Lake Erie - he had never been in the lake before either. The last picture I have of him is smiling and waving as he was about to dive into the cool water.

Seconds later, everything changed. Ed was calling my name, gasping for air, telling me he was tired. I tried to move the boat closer, but he wasn't moving. I began screaming "ED!" "ED!!" I threw him a rope. And again. And again and again and again, screaming, "EEDDDDDDD, GET THE ROPE.!! GET THE ROPE, ED, GET THE ROPE!!!!!" Panic set in as the air closed in and his head disappeared, quietly below the surface. "ED! COME BACK UP! EDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!" I waited and screamed and nothing. Nothing.

I will never forget the silence of the lake that day. I will never forget his face as he was swallowed whole. I will never forget the thick choking air.

Two years later, I still can not breathe when thinking about that moment. Two years later, I still think his smiling face will resurface.

I spoke to his sister today and she suggested that I begin talking about that day. That people might heal in hearing how I survived this tragedy. I happened to be entering graduate school that Fall to become an expert in Positive Psychology, the scientific study of well-being. After Ed drowned, I thought about dropping out of school. I was too depressed, too distraught. But I knew Ed would want me to go. He knew that my dream was to become a life coach and motivational speaker. My dream was to help people uncover their life purpose and live fulfilling, happy lives, which is what I now do for a living.

I think about Ed all the time. He inspires me every day to do this work. Ed who helped others every day. That was his purpose. Sadly, I don't think Ed realized it. He was always trying to make more of himself "objectively" - more money, more prestige. Thus, the military. His hopes of enlisting were dashed just two weeks before he died; he was rejected because of a heart condition. Unfortunately, this rejection put Ed in a tail-spin and apparently, he began partying every night. When Ed's autopsy was done, I found out that his body was full of cocaine.

If only Ed had known that he didn't need the military. If only he had known that he had everything he needed already - family who loved him, customers who adored him, a winning smile, a huge heart and a generous spirit that would make him extremely successful. If only he knew that he was ALREADY living his purpose... then maybe he wouldn't have done drugs that fateful morning and maybe he would still be with us.

Ed is a reminder that life purpose isn't a job or a salary. It is the way in which we ARE in the world. It is the impact we have. It the gift that only WE can contribute because we are each wonderfully unique. Each of us has a different set of strengths, talents, passions and experiences. Therefore each of us has a special purpose.

As we mark the two year anniversary of Ed's death, please join me in honoring him for his special gift of jovial service to others. And please think about your own purpose - and how you can share your gifts with the world.

Thank you for listening.
With love,
Carin

75% of New Years Resolutions Fail - How to Succeed this Year

Happy New Year my friends! So it’s January 1 – New year, new you. What are your resolutions? Time to lose weight! Workout 5 days a week. Drink more water. Meditate. Call mom more often!

Sound familiar? These resolutions didn’t stick last year, and they likely won’t again...Chances are that by February 1, we’ll be back to Diet Coke for breakfast.

According to research,75% of resolutions FAIL! Why? They are the wrong resolutions. They are empty. They are from our head, not our heart. Yes, we really, really want to lose weight, but why? Because we think we’re not skinny enough. We’re not good enough. See, these resolutions are all coming from a place of anxiety. A place that says we’re not “okay” as is. Therefore, such resolutions won’t last.

To make lasting resolutions, the desire for change must come from our hearts. From our souls. Our resolutions must be filled with purpose. They must be meaningful.

Wanting to be healthy so that I can better serve clients makes me want to run more, meditate, drink more water and put good food into my body. Calling my mom everyday because I want to strengthen our relationship is far more compelling than calling because I feel guilty if I don’t. From a place of purpose, I actually make the call. With purposeful meaning, there is power in my desire.

In fact, researchers find that when our goals are “self-concordant” – aligned with purpose -we are more likely to achieve them. Moreover, science has proven that when we have higher purpose, we are more resilient. We have more willpower, we better overcome challenges and dust ourselves after a fall. This is the kind of resolve we need when trying to make meaningful change. Furthermore, having purpose leads to greater life satisfaction.

So as you go about today and this opportunistic new year, consider what really, really, really matters – and then align your “New Years Resolutions” to that purpose. I guarantee you are more likely to keep them come February.

All my love – may you have a happy, healthy and meaningful 2012!
Carin