In honor of all of the brave souls who stepped
into their authentic beautiful selves yesterday on National Coming Out Day, I
want to do the same today.
(DEEP BREATH – here I go.) My very first love was
a woman – or a girl, really. I was 16 and my best friend, Lisa, was being
distant. “Why is she mad at me?” I wondered. “What did I do wrong??” Eventually, she wrote me a letter: “I love you.” Naïve and relieved, I chirped,
“I LOVE YOU TOO!!” To which she replied, “No, I really love you.” It took me
weeks to understand what she meant and months to realize that I felt the same
way.
Lisa was the first person who loved me completely
and unconditionally. Everything I hated about myself, Lisa loved. She cherished
my faults, delighted in my quirks and was my #1 fan. Our relationship felt so
good.
I was so happy, I wanted to tell people about
her but I couldn’t. I told one friend that I had a boyfriend named “Lee” and
simultaneously, I dreamt that one day Lisa would have a sex change so that we
could be together forever. One day, I realized that I wanted to date boys -
to go to homecoming and one day have a groom. I wanted our relationship - but
with a guy - and I’ve been searching for it ever since.
Trying to "define" this - to define me has been a tremendous source of deep pain and confusion in my life. Today, I let it go. Today I take one step in the direction of being and loving my true, authentic self. Of living my unique PURPOSE. I'm not "gay" or "straight" or even "bisexual". My soul can love any other soul - period. And I think this is true of us all.
I dedicate this blog to Lisa. I am forever grateful for her love. Today,
she identifies as "gay" and I identify as "straight", but
really, we’re the same. We love with pure hearts. And that's what this world is
all about.
Sending you love and courage to let go and let your light shine!
xo,
Carin
As one of Lisa's dearest friends (I cherish her so deeply it sometimes makes my heart completely burst), I know your story. I wasn't there at the time -- I was a distant figure, just vaguely getting to know Lisa. But during our college years, when we talked about our lives with the candidness that only too many beers have the power to shake loose from those secret depths, your name appeared often. Always as a positive force, as a shining example of real, true, deep love. Most of us didn't get to have this as a teenager. We had awkward, unsure, sometimes ill-given love. However you two define yourselves now (I, like you, am sort of ambivalent about defining sexual identity, even as an old married woman who is likely presumed to be straight), your relationship is a bit of a legend among those of us whose teen passion most often landed in the slop bucket.
ReplyDeleteThank you, whoever you are. Your words filled my heart with warmth. My college years told a very different story than the one you describe. I was so ashamed of our relationship that I ran away and locked it up. I was so embarrassed and confused and I was in a lot of pain from what happened once she and I broke up. For me, it has been twenty years of trying to heal and make sense of it all with love and compassion. It feels really nice to hear your words. I hope that in my sharing, someone somewhere has an easier time loving whomever they love. Thanks again. Take good care of my girl.
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