After my last post, a few of you seemed a bit concerned that I was becoming depressed about my 35-year-old life. No worries. I actually feel pretty amazing. Yes, I have fears and regrets and doubts, but I also have a deep appreciation for all that is Good - including my fears, for I'm allowing them to motivate me. I realize so fully now that time is short - and therefore, we must pursue our dreams NOW.
Isn't that the mantra of a new year? New resolutions, new promises, renewed spirit? The beauty of growing older is that we come to know and love ourselves more completely. We become more comfortable in our own skin and more peaceful in our hearts. And yet, we also realize that we have less time to enjoy this new found peace.
And so I enter this new Jewish Year, 5770, with this wonderful awareness and with clear intention. I enter it with the realization that I am in charge of my own happiness. I enter it knowing that with a little help from G-d, I can make my dreams true. I enter it with an open heart and open mind and prayers for peace. I enter it so appreciative of the Love around me - of family, and friends, and colleagues. I enter the year grateful for this blog, that is allowing me to pursue my passion, and share my innermost thoughts, and I am even more appreciative of all of you readers, for sharing with me in return. I am so blessed.
Have a Rockin' new year! L'shana tova.
Carin
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My Eggs Are Dying
My last blog entry about the fears of turning 35 generated a lot of comments. I was corrected several times that we do not need to get colonoscopies until we are 50, and I was warned that many insurance companies won't do a mammogram until 40. So this leaves me with one remaining fear of the aging body: giving birth to children. While we all know that Sarah Jessica Parker and Courtney Cox Arquette and countless other 40+ celebrities have successfully conceived - and given birth - to healthy newborns, as my garage attendant, Ed, said, "The only reason you don't want to be 35 is because you're running out of time to have children." (Thank you Dr. Ed.)
When I turned 30, my father sat me down to tell me that the clock was ticking. Didn't I know that my mother had early menopause? Didn't I realize that my eggs were dying? Well, I had never thought of my eggs per se, but YES, I do realize that time is running out and believe me, it scares the shit out of me.
But what am I going to do? Stop taking my pills and scream "surprise honey!" as I show my boyfriend the positive pregnancy test? Or maybe I should just dump him altogether and take out a want ad: Nice Jewish Girl looking for Nice Jewish Boy Ready to Marry and Procreate Immediately. Or maybe I can do the ultra-mod and find myself a sperm donor to become a single parent. Believe me - I've thought about it, and may seriously consider doing it one day.
But not yet. Because here's the other thing about being 35 and single: most of us don't want to be. That's right. Despite what they said on "Sex and the City", and despite how fabulous life is with the boat and the MINI and the European travel whenever the hell I damned-well-please, at the end of a long work day, we really want companionship. We want an open hug to greet us, a sturdy shoulder to lean on, and strong arms that wrap around us while we sleep. So though our clocks are ticking, our hearts long for more -or at least different - than a baby can provide.
This raises an interesting question about whether we would choose childless partnership over partnerless parenting, but I won't delve into that now. For now, I'll just say that I want both, and regardless of how it all comes into my life - via eggs or test tubes, or mail-order men, I'll sign off with faith that it will.
Rock on,
Carin
When I turned 30, my father sat me down to tell me that the clock was ticking. Didn't I know that my mother had early menopause? Didn't I realize that my eggs were dying? Well, I had never thought of my eggs per se, but YES, I do realize that time is running out and believe me, it scares the shit out of me.
But what am I going to do? Stop taking my pills and scream "surprise honey!" as I show my boyfriend the positive pregnancy test? Or maybe I should just dump him altogether and take out a want ad: Nice Jewish Girl looking for Nice Jewish Boy Ready to Marry and Procreate Immediately. Or maybe I can do the ultra-mod and find myself a sperm donor to become a single parent. Believe me - I've thought about it, and may seriously consider doing it one day.
But not yet. Because here's the other thing about being 35 and single: most of us don't want to be. That's right. Despite what they said on "Sex and the City", and despite how fabulous life is with the boat and the MINI and the European travel whenever the hell I damned-well-please, at the end of a long work day, we really want companionship. We want an open hug to greet us, a sturdy shoulder to lean on, and strong arms that wrap around us while we sleep. So though our clocks are ticking, our hearts long for more -or at least different - than a baby can provide.
This raises an interesting question about whether we would choose childless partnership over partnerless parenting, but I won't delve into that now. For now, I'll just say that I want both, and regardless of how it all comes into my life - via eggs or test tubes, or mail-order men, I'll sign off with faith that it will.
Rock on,
Carin
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thirty-Five
I've been 35 now for nearly 3 days and sadly, some of the charm is beginning to wear off. After a whirlwind birthday weekend floating through the sky at sunset in a hot air balloon, sipping sweet champagne after a hot oil massage, lounging in a bubble-filled jacuzzi tub, eating prime rib for dinner - and breakfast, I thought - Yes! - THIS is what 35 is supposed to be - Luxurious, luscious, liberating, alive!
And then I found a white hair on my head. Reality set in: I am thirty-five. I am now closer to 40 than to 30. I'm practically middle-aged! After 35, childbearing is so dangerous that I'll need to poke my baby with amnio needles; at 35, I have to go get my first mammogram; at 35, we're supposed to start getting regular colonoscopies for cryin' out loud! F**k.
35 is adult stuff. But wasn't that what I loved about it? Being able to afford my own home, my own boat, my pedicures and my leisure? Being able to enjoy lifelong friendships, career success, and thrive in my ability to go after what I want? I guess that's the thing with 35. We are really adults now. And with adulthood comes the Good, and the Scary.
Here's the funny part: I don't think I would trade the Scary of 35 for the Insecurity of 25. I wouldn't trade the white hairs, or the mammograms or the colonoscopies or the fear that I won't be able to bear children; for with all of that also comes an innate inner strength, a calm loving heart, deepened wisdom, and a peace of mind that I am so much enjoying. I like this 35-year-old me. No, life isn't exactly as I thought it would be, but in all of the ways that matter, it is better than I realized was possible. What a blessing.
Goodnight, Friends. Rock on.
Carin
And then I found a white hair on my head. Reality set in: I am thirty-five. I am now closer to 40 than to 30. I'm practically middle-aged! After 35, childbearing is so dangerous that I'll need to poke my baby with amnio needles; at 35, I have to go get my first mammogram; at 35, we're supposed to start getting regular colonoscopies for cryin' out loud! F**k.
35 is adult stuff. But wasn't that what I loved about it? Being able to afford my own home, my own boat, my pedicures and my leisure? Being able to enjoy lifelong friendships, career success, and thrive in my ability to go after what I want? I guess that's the thing with 35. We are really adults now. And with adulthood comes the Good, and the Scary.
Here's the funny part: I don't think I would trade the Scary of 35 for the Insecurity of 25. I wouldn't trade the white hairs, or the mammograms or the colonoscopies or the fear that I won't be able to bear children; for with all of that also comes an innate inner strength, a calm loving heart, deepened wisdom, and a peace of mind that I am so much enjoying. I like this 35-year-old me. No, life isn't exactly as I thought it would be, but in all of the ways that matter, it is better than I realized was possible. What a blessing.
Goodnight, Friends. Rock on.
Carin
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Happy Birthday to Me! Welcome to my new blog!
Well, it's been a long time coming, but I am giving myself a wonderful birthday gift: permission to follow my dreams.
If you're reading this, then you probably know me well enough to know that I've long dreamed of being a writer. A non-fiction memoir writer, to be exact. One who shares my experiences of travel, food, people and idiosyncrasies with others, so as to enliven senses, ignite memories, and spark others' opinions and dreams.
I've been too busy, though, to actually pursue this dream - you know, there were people to see, things to do, "work" to accomplish! Yeah, right... Let's face it, I haven't been too busy. I've been too scared. Well, not anymore. Welcome to my new blog. My goal is to move you in some way -To whet your appetite with food I taste, enliven your senses with visions I see, and maybe - hopefully - to motivate, inspire, uplift, and maybe even ignite your own unique spark, so that we all can light a fire under this thing called "Life".
Enjoy! (And mostly, thank you for tuning in to allow me to pursue this passion!)
If you're reading this, then you probably know me well enough to know that I've long dreamed of being a writer. A non-fiction memoir writer, to be exact. One who shares my experiences of travel, food, people and idiosyncrasies with others, so as to enliven senses, ignite memories, and spark others' opinions and dreams.
I've been too busy, though, to actually pursue this dream - you know, there were people to see, things to do, "work" to accomplish! Yeah, right... Let's face it, I haven't been too busy. I've been too scared. Well, not anymore. Welcome to my new blog. My goal is to move you in some way -To whet your appetite with food I taste, enliven your senses with visions I see, and maybe - hopefully - to motivate, inspire, uplift, and maybe even ignite your own unique spark, so that we all can light a fire under this thing called "Life".
Enjoy! (And mostly, thank you for tuning in to allow me to pursue this passion!)
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