"Coming Out" - Stepping Into my Full Authentic Self

In honor of all of the brave souls who stepped into their authentic beautiful selves yesterday on National Coming Out Day, I want to do the same today.

(DEEP BREATH – here I go.) My very first love was a woman – or a girl, really. I was 16 and my best friend, Lisa, was being distant. “Why is she mad at me?” I wondered. “What did I do wrong??” Eventually, she wrote me a letter: “I love you.” Naïve and relieved, I chirped, “I LOVE YOU TOO!!” To which she replied, “No, I really love you.” It took me weeks to understand what she meant and months to realize that I felt the same way.

Lisa was the first person who loved me completely and unconditionally. Everything I hated about myself, Lisa loved. She cherished my faults, delighted in my quirks and was my #1 fan. Our relationship felt so good.

I was so happy, I wanted to tell people about her but I couldn’t. I told one friend that I had a boyfriend named “Lee” and simultaneously, I dreamt that one day Lisa would have a sex change so that we could be together forever. One day, I realized that I wanted to date boys - to go to homecoming and one day have a groom. I wanted our relationship - but with a guy - and I’ve been searching for it ever since.

Trying to "define" this - to define me has been a tremendous source of deep pain and confusion in my life. Today, I let it go. Today I take one step in the direction of being and loving my true, authentic self. Of living my unique PURPOSE. I'm not "gay" or "straight" or even "bisexual". My soul can love any other soul - period. And I think this is true of us all.

I dedicate this blog to Lisa. I am forever grateful for her love. Today, she identifies as "gay" and I identify as "straight", but really, we’re the same. We love with pure hearts. And that's what this world is all about. 

Sending you love and courage to let go and let your light shine!

xo,

Carin

Follow Your DREAMS: How I followed mine to be a "Professional Cheerleader"

I always wanted to be a Cheerleader. Every Saturday growing up, my parents took my siblings and me to University of Michigan football games. While they watched the play on the field, I was fascinated with the cheerleaders. They were fun, exciting and got a crowd of 111,000 people on their feet and HAPPY! By age 6, I declared my dream: I wanted to be a Cheerleader when I grew up! 

This dream was well and good until I tried out for the high school cheerleading squad and realized one important thing: I couldn't do the splits OR a cartwheel. My dream ended there. 

As I got older and people asked me what I wanted to "be" when I grew up, I didn't know. I was creative, so I went into marketing. In fact, I did everything "right" according to the "American dream". I married a handsome lawyer, I was getting promotions at work and we owned a big house in the suburbs and a beautiful golden retriever. Yet by 25, I cried every day, feeling miserable and stuck. I wanted to move to the City, feel excited about work, happy in love and life, but I couldn't do any of those things. I remember thinking almost daily "This is it - this is all there is to life."

Then on March 3, 2001, everything changed. It was my grandfather's birthday and though I didn’t usually go to synagogue, he was going and it was a nice escape. As I entered, my heart leapt. In the pew behind Grandpa stood Ida, my former youth group advisor. I broke down crying in her arms. She assured me it would be okay, then gave me advice: Become a youth group advisor. Within weeks I began volunteering with 40 high school girls who were filled with hopes and dreams. I found myself encouraging them to love themselves, to pursue their dreams, to be their best selves. I became their confidant and cheerleader and they became mine. I realized how much I love coaching others and I was EXCITED! I ended up getting a divorce and through the process, I led an online women’s support group of other divorcees. I then clearly heard the higher calling: I am meant to encourage women to love themselves and live fulfilling lives. I am meant to be a professional "cheerleader." But how could this be this a “career”? 

Fear crept in. I spent years researching masters programs but lost hope. I found myself again in unhealthy relationships and unfulfilling jobs. I bought a nicer car and a boat but I could hardly get out of bed I was so ashamed and empty. Then in 2008, life changed when a man followed me home and held me up at gunpoint. Knelt on the floor, I begged for my life. I made G-d a promise: If you let me live, I will pursue my dreams - I will live my purpose. With that the man took my purse and ran. 

Just months later a friend wrote to me: "You're always so positive, have you seen this?" It was a link to Penn’s Positive Psychology program. Though my father told me it was the stupidest decision he's ever heard, I sold my boat, quit my job and moved to Philadelphia. It was the best decision of my life. Today, I am a coach helping people find their purpose and overcome fears to pursue their dreams. I speak with women at corporations such as Avon and Morgan Stanley about how to be successful and happy. I teach Positive Psychology at Penn and I love being the cheerleader to my students, my clients, my friends and family that I was always meant to be. I am living my DREAM and I feel blessed beyond measure! 

I hope my story encourages you to pursue your dreams. Remember - EVERYTHING is possible when you follow your passion and BELIEVE in yourself. 

xoxo,

Carin

Change is Hard... Or is it?

Change is hard. Or so we commonly believe. We become comfortable in our daily routines, we get used to our habitual ways and so we resist change. And yet, we deeply want it. We yearn for a deeper relationship, a different job, to lose weight or to begin a new healthy habit. 

Of course we do…  Change is natural. It is part of the biorhythm of life. Just look outside at the bright red and yellow leaves that are beginning to appear. Consider how a woman’s body changes to become a mother. In fact, according to research at Stanford, our skin completely regenerates in 7 days and all of our cells are replaced every 7 years. Put simply, change is as essential and organic as living itself, so naturally our bodies and brains and souls crave it.

But how do we make the change we want? Often, we’ll wake up one day and say “That’s it – no more sweets!” Or we’ll hear a friend say “Forget it – I’m done with men!” And then weeks – or even days later, we find ourselves just having a little bite of cake or back online looking for a guy.

So what’s going wrong? I propose that we aren’t respecting the natural process of change. Change is not instantaneous. We don’t see a tree go from fully green one day to suddenly bright red the next. Change takes time. We need to honor this natural cycle and apply it to our own lives. As my friend and colleague, Louis Alloro says in SOMO (Social Emotional Leadership) Labs, change can be “full of ease and grace.”

First, we must be clear about the change we are hoping for. Not just that we want a different job, but specifically, what attributes of a workplace and colleagues matter, how do we want to feel about the work we do? Positive psychology, the scientific study of well-being, tells us that hope is very powerful in igniting change because it gives us agency to make change and it empowers us to develop the pathways to change. And change is made by creating new pathways. According to research out of MIT habits are neural pathways, or patterns, formed in our brain to quickly respond to certain triggers. This means that when your brain senses the trigger (ie: walking by a bakery), your brain is prompted back to the old habit. Routines or habits you’ve formed took time to establish and now you must take time to change them. You must accept, love yourself for it and then begin to create NEW neural pathways – new habits. For instance, when you walk by the bakery and your brain thinks “let’s eat!” – instead breathe, smile and then in mantra, “I am healthy”. Do this every time you walk by a bakery and begin to see the habit change.

Autumn is a natural time to reflect on the change you want in your life. I hope you use this cyclical gift of nature to get more of what you want in life.

For more tips and tools on change this Fall, check out HealthyStyleNY.com’s October 13 one-day retreat: Time for Change.