Getting Back on the "Horse" Again

It's time to get back on the proverbial writing-horse again. I fell off, and when I did, I hit my head so hard that I ended up in paralysis for the last 6 weeks.

But it's time to get back on. Fear has been holding me back, and let's face it, Fear Sucks. When we were kids, we'd fall off the bike and we'd be told to get back on. Get back on and your feet will remember how to peddle! Well when our confidence is shaken, it isn't our feet that is holding us back!

That fear of falling off again, that fear of crashing, that fear that we can't do it...this holds us back, and that is the story of me and writing. Writing is the craft I've always loved most, and yet it is the one thing I have always been terrified of pursuing. Put me in any corporate board room, with any Fortune 500 CEO, and I have no fear. Ask me to submit a small paragraph to a local community newsletter and I freeze. I lose my words. I lose my voice.

And as a writer, that's all I have.

To write this blog, I racked my brain to remember what tragic event instilled this deep paralyzing fear... In the second grade, I won prizes for my wallpaper-covered short story books. In high school, I won a college scholarship for an essay I wrote about Israeli-Arab relations. In college, I got an A on every paper I wrote, and accolades in my poetry and creative writing classes...and then I applied to write a column for the Michigan Daily, and they rejected me. They crushed my heart, and that was it - the pain was too grave, the scar too deep... I decided I was meant to write for business, not as my business.

13 years into my career, I still long to be a writer. And so, as my birthday gift to myself, I began this blog. And as those of you who have been loyal readers know, I was keeping it up pretty well. Then, on Rosh Hashanah, just hours after I boldly claimed on this blog that this year, I was going to take control of my life and conquer my dreams, one of my cousins said at dinner, "All bloggers are narcissists." While I tried to keep my head upright, and my confidence strong, I ran to the bathroom and cried. It was 10 minutes before I came out. And now 6 weeks since posting my last blog entry.

Well shame on me. I can't let one paper or one person's rejection hold me back. Yes, it's personal, and yes, it's deep, but no - they can't hold me back. I can't hold myself back.

I share all of this with you because maybe you have fears that are holding you back. Maybe you've been told that you shouldn't pursue your dreams, or that there's something wrong with you for having them in the first place. Maybe you've been paralyzed too and need some encouragement to get back on your horse. It's time for you too. I'm not a narcissist for writing this blog, and there is nothing wrong with you, or your vision for your life. Your dreams are your gift from G-d, your unique purspose that only you can fulfill.

The question is, what are we going to do with this gift? Will we hide from it in fear, shuffling through our days like zombies, clocking in at 9, and out at 5, sucked dry of our creative energy? Or will we face that fear head-on, and get back on that horse whenever rejection knocks us off? We must. We must get back on. For when we don't, our vision still haunts us. In our dreams, in our waking hours, in the faces of our children.

In a live recording about her book, "The Artist's Way" Julia Cameron discusses a conversation she had with a 40+ year old who wants to learn to play the piano. She says to Julia, "Do you know how old I'll be when I finish my lessons?" Julia says, "The same age you'll be if you never take them."

And so, I'm back on this horse. I'm 35, not 25, and one day (G-d willing), I'll be 45. And hopefully then, I can say that when I fell off the horse, I got back on again. And again. And again. And kept riding toward those dreams... I hope you will too.