I Have a Dream: To Treat You as YOU Wish to Be Treated

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a national U.S. holiday. As we think about Dr. King’s dream that one day, our nation – and perhaps the world – would be united as one people who loved each other equally regardless of race, nationality, religion or any other division upon which we discriminate today. He hoped all children would play together, all people could work together and that we would each treat each other with the respect and dignity that we not only deserve, but that we want from others.

How are we doing, Dr. King? With the recent tragedy in Arizona, discrimination against same-sex marriage, and countless other tragedies of prejudice, we are far from realizing the dream.

It's the simple Golden Rule, right? Treat others as we want to be treated??!!?

Perhaps, though, this is the issue... Perhaps we shouldn’t treat others as we want to be treated, but instead we should treat others as they want to be treated. Known as “The Platinum Rule”, it makes a heck of a lot more sense to me.

Yes, we all equals, but we are not all the same. Rather, it is our differences which make us unique and beautiful. Perhaps you most value kindness, while your neighbor most values courage. This is what Positive Psychology is all about - leveraging our strengths to live a better life. Perhaps your daughter is gifted in sports, while your son is a talented artist. What a beautiful world it would be if we honored each person’s individual strengths, and appealed to each other’s values!

As Gary Chapman quips in his theory, “Love Languages”, the issue with most marriages is that we love our partners as we most feel love, not as they do. In other words, we speak to them in Chinese when they only understand Russian. With a simple tool, we can learn our partner’s primary “love language” and love them in a way they can hear it.

What if we could understand our neighbors, our co-workers, our adversaries in this way? What if we learned to speak their language so that we better understood them and they better heard us? We each have different backgrounds, values, dreams and desires. To fulfill Dr. King’s dream, I propose that we get to know each others’ strengths, that we learn to speak each others’ languages and treat each other as he or she most wants to be treated.

Have a meaningful week.

New Year - Shit Happens

My toilet overflowed on New Years Day. Really overflowed – toilet water gushing out in rapids toward the hallway and living room as I raced around the bathroom and house to find every possible towel to sop up the mess. My first thought: “Oh no - It’s a sign!” I began dreading the crappy year ahead…

Fortunately, my years of Cognitive Therapy and current studies in Positive Psychology kicked in and grabbed hold of my mind. “Get a Grip, Carin.” My brain insisted - and that’s when I realized that this wasn’t a sign of a shitty year ahead – it’s a REMINDER that shit happens. Literally.

Here we are in the first week of 2011, our hearts open and our minds hopeful about all that the New Year will bring. We make dramatic resolutions to lose weight, exercise more, be nicer, be our very best! THIS year will be glorious – nothing can get in my way! And then the toilet overflows (or we eat a piece of cake, skip a workout, judge a coworker) and we derail. We give up on our resolutions by mid-January and return to regular life – only now, we are defeated and we still have 350 days ahead!

So here is my resolution for the New Year – not to make sweeping, dramatic resolutions. Rather, I’m going to be the best me that I can be, remembering that shit is going to happen. Obstacles will get in the way, I’ll likely slip and fall miserably on my face a couple of times… But I can get back up. I can dust myself off – and begin again. By remembering that shit will happen, we shift our thinking and our expectations. We can laugh at the obstacle, and we can be kinder and gentler with ourselves should we get off track.

Therefore, my advice for the New Year is to just be. Show up, embrace life and enjoy the flow, but please, do it with a sense of humor and the knowledge that shit is going to happen. As Epictetus, the Greek philosopher said, "Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead, want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well.”

Enjoy 2011, my friends.

Reflection

Tonight begins the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, translated literally: The day of Atonement. A day to stop, reflect, and ask forgiveness for all ways in which we may have not been our best selves... whether intentional or not.

There were times this year when we lashed out at a loved one or dismissed a colleague. There were moments when we could have helped a neighbor, or celebrated with a friend. There are moments we wish we could get back and do over. Often, though, we are so busy running between appointments and obligations that we don't find the time to Stop. Reflect on those moments. Think about what we would do differently next time. And Vow to do so.

This is what Yom Kippur offers us. And more.

What if we ALSO use this day to reflect on when we WERE our very best? To think about the moments when we CHOSE to exhibit ourselves fully? To savor those feelings of gratitude, pride and joy? To share those stories with a friend and ask them to share theirs. What if we allowed this pause to not just be about healing what is broken, but also flourishing to become our best selves? As Barbara Fredrickson shares in her book, "Positivity", positive emotions help us broaden our minds and build more resilience, love and capacity. I believe that this is the true intention of the Yom Kippur.

As we enter this holiday, I think about the past year, about the loss of friend, about the beginning of new friendships, about the joys I've experienced, the love and blessings for which I'm grateful. As we enter this holiday, I vow to reflect, broaden and build. I wish you the same, and for us all to have the opportunity THIS YEAR to savor and spread joy.

I wish us all a happy and healthy and sweet new year. A year when we are our very best selves. May you and your loved ones be inscribed in the Book of (Flourishing) LIFE!

So What is this Positive Psychology thing anyways?

I love telling people that I'm going back to school for "Positive Psychology", as it's great fun to watch their response. Here's how it went yesterday with a very successful, intelligent corporate marketer that I know... she nodded, wrinkled her brow inquisitively, then smiled slowly and said... "COOL!" She then admitted that she had NO idea what it was, but that it sounded really great. This is the typical response.

So what is Positive Psychology? Is it saying that traditional psychology is "negative"? No. Is it rose-colored-glasses brainwash psychology? No. Am I going to be a clinical psychologist with a couch when this is done? Definitely not.

But what I am going to do is work with people, organizations, groups and communities to help them flourish. Yes, FLOURISH. Not just be happy, or positive all the time, but to really blossom. And if we think about how a flower blossoms, it is from the inside out. It is an unfolding of the petals toward the sun.

For people to flourish, what if we build from the inside? From character strengths, positive emotions like hope and gratitude, ideas tucked deep within, healthy muscles and heart waiting to be used? What if organizations built from the inside? Focusing on employee well being, best practices and organizational virtue to reach higher profitabililty? Momentary pleasures like a deal won, or a piece of cake, or a raise have been proven to unfortunately just be "momentary". We need a longer term solution.

Unfortunately, many people today are simply existing, trying to muddle their way through life, enjoying the momentary happiness, but unsure of how to find lifelong satisfaction. Positive Psychology says that the the absence of illness is not wellness. To be HEALTHY we must go beyond fixing a problem (like disease, apathay, misery, depression). We must allow for comprehensive flourishing. Flourishing relationships, feeling important meaning in life and work, savoring positive emotions and enjoying achievement.

Don't we all want this for our children? Flourishing? For our companies? For our communities? For society at large?

For more on Positive Psychology, visit http://www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu/

Double Chai

1 hour and 15 minutes until my 36th birthday, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude - literally brimming with a molecular, bone-felt joy that everyone deserves to feel at least once in their lifetime... lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, I feel like the luckiest woman alive.

My what a difference a year makes... Just one year ago, I was drowning in my preconceptions of 35 - the mammogram I've still yet to have, the sagging boobs that have remained firm, the I'm-now-closer-to-40-than-30-and-STILL-not-married fear of dying eggs and dried up ovaries.... let's face it, I thought 35 was death disguised with frosting and a candle.

And then this amazing thing happened to me... I woke up to LIFE. I can't quite recall if it was the break-up with yet another ill-matched boyfriend, or it was just luck - but sometime this year, I decided to take control of my life and OWN it. Prince Charming wasn't swooping in to save me on his horse any time soon, so I'd damned well better do it myself!

And I am. Tomorrow, as I turn 36, I begin graduate school at the University of Pennsylvania in Positive Psychology, a field that fills my soul and inspires my mind. A program that literally brings me to tears of gratitude every time I think about it. I have searched for nearly a decade to find a graduate program that will enable me to encourage and inspire others for a living. A program that will allow me to LIVE as I've always dreamt I could: To live my purpose.

In Hebrew, the number 18 represents the word "life" (chai). So 36 is double chai, life 2x as good. How appropriate that I should begin this new journey on my 36th birthday. And even more amazing, how appropriate that tomorrow is also Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Yes, it's going to be quite a wonderful, new, year.

Thank you to all of my friends, family and colleagues for your encouragement and support. Thank you go G-d for these blessings. My cup floweth over. Bring it on, Life! I can't wait!

Breaking the Cycle, Giving Inner City Kids a Gameplan

Two years ago I was robbed at gunpoint. I wasn't physically hurt, but the emotional pain still haunts me. Not a day goes by when I don't think about the horrible circumstances that led to what he did, and the same horrible circumstances that his children now face.

Chris Harris was 24 when he put a gun to my head. With two babies and one on the way, the out-of-work father without education or particular skills needed diapers. He knows he did a terrible thing that night, holding a gun to my head, and that of two others, and now he can think about it in prinson for 10 years...

But what about his kids? Three babies, all under 6 who will now also grow up without a dad, with a single impoverished mom? Could they make it? Sure. But the odds are so stacked against them... G-d forbid, the cycle will continue...

Chris Harris' father was in jail too. But why? And why is he now in jail? Why didn't he take advantage of the free public education that we get in America and of the many college scholarships available to disadvantaged youth? Why are there so many dropouts in the inner city? Why are there so many teenage pregnancies? These children are just as smart as white children growing up in Solon or West Bloomfield or Connecticut!

For years, I've wondered why the African American community doesn't join together to promote the value of education, to promote the availbility of these scholarships, to speak against unsafe sex and teenage pregnancy so that the Black community can be a powerful successful force in society. Make it cool to be educated!

Yesterday, I learned of an amazing new effort called "Game Changer", the 2025 Campaign for Black Men and Boys. The initiative asks "What can we do to impact the life of a Black boy born in 2007 so that by the time he is 18, in the year 2025, his outcomes for success have significantly improved?" It's about positive role models and image, education, empowerment. Bravo 2025BMB! Let's bring it to ALL of our major cities with brilliant little boys who deserve more than the unfortunate history of their fathers. http://2025bmb.org/thecampaign/

America, The Beautiful

I'm getting a little worried about America. Ok - "little" is an understatement. I'm actually petrified. It's not that I'm scared of terrorists or nuclear war - worse. I'm scared of ignorance and complacency and entitlement and selfishness and fear. In short, I'm scared of ourselves and who we've become.

When my grandparents were immigrants, all they wanted was a better life for their children, free of the prejudice they'd escaped in Nazi Germany. They came to this county with nothing; but fueled by optimism and desire, they built a life of prosperity, just as generations of immigrants had done before.

With so much anti-immigrant sentiment today, so much disdain for new cultures and different languages, I fear that America has forgotten from where we came. We fear immigrants taking our jobs; we fear work going overseas. This work was not ours to take. The work was created by entrepreneurial Americans - immigrants - who brought brilliant ideas and processes here.

To succeed, we need to live in their legacy. Not by closing the door to progress and partnership, but by further exploring opportunities. We must educate our children in science, math and technology - and the value of education itself. We must keep our babies from having babies and encourage them instead to focus on their own education, their own capabilities, their own competitiveness and their own contribution to the world.

And we must be the example we want to set. Frustrated by America's problems and partisanship and unsure of how we can make a difference, so many of us throw up our hands and return to our wine... We don't want to though - we want to make a difference. We want to stop the bleeding. But I don't know how... I wrack my brain for that big idea that will reverse America's ill, but the cancer is just too widespread, too rampant, too ingrained for one idea to make it better. So we must move in small steps, helping one person, implementing one idea at a time. The time is now. And with the hope, optimism and hard work instilled in us by our immigrant ancestors, maybe we can make this world a better place.