As I finish my 3rd box of matzah this week, I cannot help but reflect on Passover and Easter. Last Monday, 10 non-Jewish friends from all over the world (Scotland, Germany, Australia and the States) were in my home for a traditional Passover Seder. We laughed and shared as we told the story of Moses leading the Jews from slavery to freedom.
But what about slavery today? With human trafficking in Africa, children sold for slavery in India and slave workers in Pakistan, people all over the world are still tragically held hostage.
This horrifies us and yet, many of us are enslaved too. While we are blessed to be free in the United States, many of us hold ourselves hostage to harsh, negative thinking patterns that cause ourselves and others harm. Perhaps we are distant with love, hanging on to an old defense mechanism that served us well as kids. If you are like me, you think you're not good enough, "they" are not good enough or that others should think exactly like we do. In "The Resilience Factor" , Reivich & Shatte describe these thoughts as "iceberg beliefs" - thoughts that are so deep-rooted that we aren't conscious of them. Those that when hit, take our ship - our confidence, relationships, esteem - down.
I am learning, though, that we have a choice about these damaging beliefs. We can set them free. And thereby, set ourselves free.
Yesterday, I attended Catholic mass with friends for Easter (hey - they came to Passover Seder, right?) There, I understood the meaning of Easter for perhaps the first time. Easter is a celebration of rebirth. In this spirit, we can all begin anew. We can let old beliefs die. We can let go of old patterns that no longer serve us. We can choose to make room for new healthy beliefs, new loving thought patterns.
Together, these holidays tell a powerful story. We have been enslaved, but we can choose to be free.
Happy holidays to all.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Chicago Tribune Reports How I Used Gratitude to Change My Attitude
Happiness, meet science
By Nara Schoenberg
April 12, 2011
Not that we don't believe Glamour magazine and celebrity testimonials. But just to be sure, we asked top researchers which mood-boosting techniques work best.
Carin Rockind had a condo, a boat, a great job in corporate marketing and dozens of friends and business contacts, all based in Cleveland.
So when she decided to switch careers and enroll as a full-time psychology student at the University of Pennsylvania, she was, understandably, a little nervous.
"What am I doing?" she would ask herself as moving day approached "This is crazy. Who will I know? How am I going to eat?"
She had whipped herself up into near-panic when she decided to try one small thing. Every night before she went to bed, she wrote down at least three good things that had happened that day: a touching good-bye, perhaps, or an encouraging comment from her mom or a nice walk with her dog. Within days she was feeling more grateful, appreciative and calm. By the end of the month, she was brimming with excitement about the future.
Check out our crossword, sudoku and Jumble puzzles >>
"It completely, 100 percent changed my attitude," says Rockind, 36.
Read on: http://bit.ly/hRXnS7
By Nara Schoenberg
April 12, 2011
Not that we don't believe Glamour magazine and celebrity testimonials. But just to be sure, we asked top researchers which mood-boosting techniques work best.
Carin Rockind had a condo, a boat, a great job in corporate marketing and dozens of friends and business contacts, all based in Cleveland.
So when she decided to switch careers and enroll as a full-time psychology student at the University of Pennsylvania, she was, understandably, a little nervous.
"What am I doing?" she would ask herself as moving day approached "This is crazy. Who will I know? How am I going to eat?"
She had whipped herself up into near-panic when she decided to try one small thing. Every night before she went to bed, she wrote down at least three good things that had happened that day: a touching good-bye, perhaps, or an encouraging comment from her mom or a nice walk with her dog. Within days she was feeling more grateful, appreciative and calm. By the end of the month, she was brimming with excitement about the future.
Check out our crossword, sudoku and Jumble puzzles >>
"It completely, 100 percent changed my attitude," says Rockind, 36.
Read on: http://bit.ly/hRXnS7
Friday, April 8, 2011
Call me PollyAnna! (But Know What That Means...)
So we've all heard the term "She's such a PollyAnna" - meaning, she unrealistically looks at life through rose-colored glasses. For those who have said or thought this - have you seen the movie or read the book?
I had the privilege of watching the movie last weekend and never again will I hear the term "PollyAnna-ish" the same. In fact, never again will I tolerate it as a short-hand way of saying excessive-unchecked-naive-optimism. It seems to me that PollyAnna was the first Positive Psychologist. She clearly saw the challenges of life - she wasn't oblivious to the sadness of losing her parents, the injustice of the chaotic orphanage, the harshness of the priest's sermon. She saw those things clearly, felt them and still CHOSE to find the good. This is positive psychology.
Positive Psychology was founded on the grounds of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The basic premise of Seligman's (1991) "Learned Optimism" is that we can learn to think differently about life's adversities. We can choose to see events as personal, pervasive and permanent... or we can choose to see them as not personal, isolated and temporary. What I love about PollyAnna is that she takes this a step further. She also chooses to see the positive. To operationalize Seligman's model, we can learn the The Resilience Factor by Reivitch & Shatte (2007) to identify our Beliefs and Consequences related to the event. For example, a friend passes us on the street without saying hello and we may have the "Belief" that she is mad at us and "Consequently" feel sad or angry. In the book, they teach us to question such "thinking trap" and find evidence that they may be (in)accurate. Back to our example - we could ask our friend if she saw us and we may find out that she was on the phone, or had just heard bad news and therefore wasn't paying attention and didn't see us. I've used this technique several times have found it to beautifully neutralize a situation. In other words, it takes us from a -6 to a 0. What PollyAnna adds is how to go from the 0 to a +3. She looks for the POSITIVE in a given situation. Back to our example again, she may say, well, this gives me an opportunity to call my friend later and see what's going on.
In the book/movie, her approach not only endears people to PollyAnna, but it helps them thrive. One character, Mrs. Snow comes alive again after a life of attention-seeking hypochondriac behavior. In fact, the whole town thrives. By instilling hope and optimism in individuals, they began to see that they could band together and accomplish their community goals! Christakis & Fowler (2007) found that happiness is contagious. People are happier when around happy people. Fredrickson (2009) teaches us that positive emotions broaden our mind and build our resources such that they help create trust and build relationships (among other things).
PollyAnna (or the writer/director/producer) knew these concepts before the field of Positive Psychology was born. What the field offers is the scientific base and evidence. Positive Psychology breaks down these concepts to find the drivers and mediators, the activators and nuances. And through understanding this science, I can now follow my calling - to help others develop realistic optimism that empowers them to build resilience, increase positivity, find meaning and enhance relationships such that they achieve their dreams.... and ultimately FLOURISH. Call me POLLYANNA!
I had the privilege of watching the movie last weekend and never again will I hear the term "PollyAnna-ish" the same. In fact, never again will I tolerate it as a short-hand way of saying excessive-unchecked-naive-optimism. It seems to me that PollyAnna was the first Positive Psychologist. She clearly saw the challenges of life - she wasn't oblivious to the sadness of losing her parents, the injustice of the chaotic orphanage, the harshness of the priest's sermon. She saw those things clearly, felt them and still CHOSE to find the good. This is positive psychology.
Positive Psychology was founded on the grounds of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The basic premise of Seligman's (1991) "Learned Optimism" is that we can learn to think differently about life's adversities. We can choose to see events as personal, pervasive and permanent... or we can choose to see them as not personal, isolated and temporary. What I love about PollyAnna is that she takes this a step further. She also chooses to see the positive. To operationalize Seligman's model, we can learn the The Resilience Factor by Reivitch & Shatte (2007) to identify our Beliefs and Consequences related to the event. For example, a friend passes us on the street without saying hello and we may have the "Belief" that she is mad at us and "Consequently" feel sad or angry. In the book, they teach us to question such "thinking trap" and find evidence that they may be (in)accurate. Back to our example - we could ask our friend if she saw us and we may find out that she was on the phone, or had just heard bad news and therefore wasn't paying attention and didn't see us. I've used this technique several times have found it to beautifully neutralize a situation. In other words, it takes us from a -6 to a 0. What PollyAnna adds is how to go from the 0 to a +3. She looks for the POSITIVE in a given situation. Back to our example again, she may say, well, this gives me an opportunity to call my friend later and see what's going on.
In the book/movie, her approach not only endears people to PollyAnna, but it helps them thrive. One character, Mrs. Snow comes alive again after a life of attention-seeking hypochondriac behavior. In fact, the whole town thrives. By instilling hope and optimism in individuals, they began to see that they could band together and accomplish their community goals! Christakis & Fowler (2007) found that happiness is contagious. People are happier when around happy people. Fredrickson (2009) teaches us that positive emotions broaden our mind and build our resources such that they help create trust and build relationships (among other things).
PollyAnna (or the writer/director/producer) knew these concepts before the field of Positive Psychology was born. What the field offers is the scientific base and evidence. Positive Psychology breaks down these concepts to find the drivers and mediators, the activators and nuances. And through understanding this science, I can now follow my calling - to help others develop realistic optimism that empowers them to build resilience, increase positivity, find meaning and enhance relationships such that they achieve their dreams.... and ultimately FLOURISH. Call me POLLYANNA!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Get a taste of Positive Psychology - Free Wine & Cheese Mini-Seminar April 15
Wine, Cheese & the KEYS to a FLOURISHING life! Mini-seminar for fabulous Cleveland women. April 15, 5 - 7 pm. Join us!
Flyer v3.doc
Flyer v3.doc
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I Have a Dream: To Treat You as YOU Wish to Be Treated
Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a national U.S. holiday. As we think about Dr. King’s dream that one day, our nation – and perhaps the world – would be united as one people who loved each other equally regardless of race, nationality, religion or any other division upon which we discriminate today. He hoped all children would play together, all people could work together and that we would each treat each other with the respect and dignity that we not only deserve, but that we want from others.
How are we doing, Dr. King? With the recent tragedy in Arizona, discrimination against same-sex marriage, and countless other tragedies of prejudice, we are far from realizing the dream.
It's the simple Golden Rule, right? Treat others as we want to be treated??!!?
Perhaps, though, this is the issue... Perhaps we shouldn’t treat others as we want to be treated, but instead we should treat others as they want to be treated. Known as “The Platinum Rule”, it makes a heck of a lot more sense to me.
Yes, we all equals, but we are not all the same. Rather, it is our differences which make us unique and beautiful. Perhaps you most value kindness, while your neighbor most values courage. This is what Positive Psychology is all about - leveraging our strengths to live a better life. Perhaps your daughter is gifted in sports, while your son is a talented artist. What a beautiful world it would be if we honored each person’s individual strengths, and appealed to each other’s values!
As Gary Chapman quips in his theory, “Love Languages”, the issue with most marriages is that we love our partners as we most feel love, not as they do. In other words, we speak to them in Chinese when they only understand Russian. With a simple tool, we can learn our partner’s primary “love language” and love them in a way they can hear it.
What if we could understand our neighbors, our co-workers, our adversaries in this way? What if we learned to speak their language so that we better understood them and they better heard us? We each have different backgrounds, values, dreams and desires. To fulfill Dr. King’s dream, I propose that we get to know each others’ strengths, that we learn to speak each others’ languages and treat each other as he or she most wants to be treated.
Have a meaningful week.
How are we doing, Dr. King? With the recent tragedy in Arizona, discrimination against same-sex marriage, and countless other tragedies of prejudice, we are far from realizing the dream.
It's the simple Golden Rule, right? Treat others as we want to be treated??!!?
Perhaps, though, this is the issue... Perhaps we shouldn’t treat others as we want to be treated, but instead we should treat others as they want to be treated. Known as “The Platinum Rule”, it makes a heck of a lot more sense to me.
Yes, we all equals, but we are not all the same. Rather, it is our differences which make us unique and beautiful. Perhaps you most value kindness, while your neighbor most values courage. This is what Positive Psychology is all about - leveraging our strengths to live a better life. Perhaps your daughter is gifted in sports, while your son is a talented artist. What a beautiful world it would be if we honored each person’s individual strengths, and appealed to each other’s values!
As Gary Chapman quips in his theory, “Love Languages”, the issue with most marriages is that we love our partners as we most feel love, not as they do. In other words, we speak to them in Chinese when they only understand Russian. With a simple tool, we can learn our partner’s primary “love language” and love them in a way they can hear it.
What if we could understand our neighbors, our co-workers, our adversaries in this way? What if we learned to speak their language so that we better understood them and they better heard us? We each have different backgrounds, values, dreams and desires. To fulfill Dr. King’s dream, I propose that we get to know each others’ strengths, that we learn to speak each others’ languages and treat each other as he or she most wants to be treated.
Have a meaningful week.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
New Year - Shit Happens
My toilet overflowed on New Years Day. Really overflowed – toilet water gushing out in rapids toward the hallway and living room as I raced around the bathroom and house to find every possible towel to sop up the mess. My first thought: “Oh no - It’s a sign!” I began dreading the crappy year ahead…
Fortunately, my years of Cognitive Therapy and current studies in Positive Psychology kicked in and grabbed hold of my mind. “Get a Grip, Carin.” My brain insisted - and that’s when I realized that this wasn’t a sign of a shitty year ahead – it’s a REMINDER that shit happens. Literally.
Here we are in the first week of 2011, our hearts open and our minds hopeful about all that the New Year will bring. We make dramatic resolutions to lose weight, exercise more, be nicer, be our very best! THIS year will be glorious – nothing can get in my way! And then the toilet overflows (or we eat a piece of cake, skip a workout, judge a coworker) and we derail. We give up on our resolutions by mid-January and return to regular life – only now, we are defeated and we still have 350 days ahead!
So here is my resolution for the New Year – not to make sweeping, dramatic resolutions. Rather, I’m going to be the best me that I can be, remembering that shit is going to happen. Obstacles will get in the way, I’ll likely slip and fall miserably on my face a couple of times… But I can get back up. I can dust myself off – and begin again. By remembering that shit will happen, we shift our thinking and our expectations. We can laugh at the obstacle, and we can be kinder and gentler with ourselves should we get off track.
Therefore, my advice for the New Year is to just be. Show up, embrace life and enjoy the flow, but please, do it with a sense of humor and the knowledge that shit is going to happen. As Epictetus, the Greek philosopher said, "Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead, want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well.”
Enjoy 2011, my friends.
Fortunately, my years of Cognitive Therapy and current studies in Positive Psychology kicked in and grabbed hold of my mind. “Get a Grip, Carin.” My brain insisted - and that’s when I realized that this wasn’t a sign of a shitty year ahead – it’s a REMINDER that shit happens. Literally.
Here we are in the first week of 2011, our hearts open and our minds hopeful about all that the New Year will bring. We make dramatic resolutions to lose weight, exercise more, be nicer, be our very best! THIS year will be glorious – nothing can get in my way! And then the toilet overflows (or we eat a piece of cake, skip a workout, judge a coworker) and we derail. We give up on our resolutions by mid-January and return to regular life – only now, we are defeated and we still have 350 days ahead!
So here is my resolution for the New Year – not to make sweeping, dramatic resolutions. Rather, I’m going to be the best me that I can be, remembering that shit is going to happen. Obstacles will get in the way, I’ll likely slip and fall miserably on my face a couple of times… But I can get back up. I can dust myself off – and begin again. By remembering that shit will happen, we shift our thinking and our expectations. We can laugh at the obstacle, and we can be kinder and gentler with ourselves should we get off track.
Therefore, my advice for the New Year is to just be. Show up, embrace life and enjoy the flow, but please, do it with a sense of humor and the knowledge that shit is going to happen. As Epictetus, the Greek philosopher said, "Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead, want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well.”
Enjoy 2011, my friends.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Reflection
Tonight begins the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, translated literally: The day of Atonement. A day to stop, reflect, and ask forgiveness for all ways in which we may have not been our best selves... whether intentional or not.
There were times this year when we lashed out at a loved one or dismissed a colleague. There were moments when we could have helped a neighbor, or celebrated with a friend. There are moments we wish we could get back and do over. Often, though, we are so busy running between appointments and obligations that we don't find the time to Stop. Reflect on those moments. Think about what we would do differently next time. And Vow to do so.
This is what Yom Kippur offers us. And more.
What if we ALSO use this day to reflect on when we WERE our very best? To think about the moments when we CHOSE to exhibit ourselves fully? To savor those feelings of gratitude, pride and joy? To share those stories with a friend and ask them to share theirs. What if we allowed this pause to not just be about healing what is broken, but also flourishing to become our best selves? As Barbara Fredrickson shares in her book, "Positivity", positive emotions help us broaden our minds and build more resilience, love and capacity. I believe that this is the true intention of the Yom Kippur.
As we enter this holiday, I think about the past year, about the loss of friend, about the beginning of new friendships, about the joys I've experienced, the love and blessings for which I'm grateful. As we enter this holiday, I vow to reflect, broaden and build. I wish you the same, and for us all to have the opportunity THIS YEAR to savor and spread joy.
I wish us all a happy and healthy and sweet new year. A year when we are our very best selves. May you and your loved ones be inscribed in the Book of (Flourishing) LIFE!
There were times this year when we lashed out at a loved one or dismissed a colleague. There were moments when we could have helped a neighbor, or celebrated with a friend. There are moments we wish we could get back and do over. Often, though, we are so busy running between appointments and obligations that we don't find the time to Stop. Reflect on those moments. Think about what we would do differently next time. And Vow to do so.
This is what Yom Kippur offers us. And more.
What if we ALSO use this day to reflect on when we WERE our very best? To think about the moments when we CHOSE to exhibit ourselves fully? To savor those feelings of gratitude, pride and joy? To share those stories with a friend and ask them to share theirs. What if we allowed this pause to not just be about healing what is broken, but also flourishing to become our best selves? As Barbara Fredrickson shares in her book, "Positivity", positive emotions help us broaden our minds and build more resilience, love and capacity. I believe that this is the true intention of the Yom Kippur.
As we enter this holiday, I think about the past year, about the loss of friend, about the beginning of new friendships, about the joys I've experienced, the love and blessings for which I'm grateful. As we enter this holiday, I vow to reflect, broaden and build. I wish you the same, and for us all to have the opportunity THIS YEAR to savor and spread joy.
I wish us all a happy and healthy and sweet new year. A year when we are our very best selves. May you and your loved ones be inscribed in the Book of (Flourishing) LIFE!
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