Memorial Day Salute: Here's to Our Soldiers' Mental and Emotional Fitness

I love the pool and a BBQ as much as the next person, but on Memorial Day it’s appropriate to pause and appreciate those who have given their lives in service of our nation. This Memorial Day, I am thinking of my dear friend, neighbor and former dog-walker, Marsalis, a sweet, naïve 18 year old boy who is in basic training as we speak. What will he see when sent off to duty? How will he feel losing friends in battle? Will I ever see him again?

As I consider the pains and triumphs that Marsalis may experience, I am grateful that our soldiers are now being trained in “Mental Toughness” (aka: Positive Psychology). Called “Master Resilience Training” (MRT), my University of Pennsylvania professors, Dr. Marty Seligman and Dr. Karen Reivich, along with dozens of their colleagues, designed the course in 2009 and are now rolling it out to all 1.1 million American soldiers. Think about it – soldiers endure rigorous physical training – why not mental and emotional training too?

MRT trains soldiers in emotional, social, family, and spiritual wellness. MRT teaches resilience tools to overcome the harsh mental realities soldiers face. Consider this - when the Army approached Penn in 2008, suicide, depression, divorce and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) rates were at an all time high. Something had to be done to help soldiers maintain mental toughness in war, cope with wounds and lost friends, and learn how to re-integrate with their loved ones once returning home. Fortunately, the training is seeing positive results, though it is early and research is in progress.

Positive psychology trains us to live to our fullest potential through all circumstances. You and I may not be at war, but we face challenges every day that require us to be mentally and emotionally fit.

So on this Memorial Day, I’m thinking of Marsalis. I’m thinking of those who have given their lives. And I’m thinking of those who are GIVING their lives in service of our nation. I pray that they maintain their mental and emotional fitness, that they receive the love of their families and our nation, and that they experience health and growth through their dutiful service.

“Happy” Memorial Day Everyone!

How to get happy NOW? Be NICE!

A few months ago, I heard Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology say, "if you want to immediately increase your happiness, go outside right now and help someone else." These words stuck and have proven accurate. Giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly woman last week felt great. Spending 5 minutes to talk (really talk) to Nick, my mailman, felt awesome - especially as he described how often he encounters negative people.

A recent study at York University found that being nice to others in small doses increases our happiness and self-esteem up to six months later. Why? According to NYT best-selling author and TED prize-winner, Karen Armstrong, compassion is at the heart of all major faiths. And regardless of our faith or beliefs (or lack thereof), doing for others as we wish to be done to us is a core value that many of us carry. Therefore, when we practice it, we feel human. We feel good about ourselves.

Lyubomirsky suggests how to implement this into our lives. The premier researcher of kindness and happiness, she finds that varying our acts of kindness will keep the concept fresh and that dedicating one day a week to random acts of kindness will increase sustainability of our practice.

So, let's pick a day. Whether it be Monday to cure the "Monday Blues" or a weekend day when you're out and about, if you want to increase your happiness immediately, do some random acts of kindness!

Freedom - Reflections from Passover and Easter

As I finish my 3rd box of matzah this week, I cannot help but reflect on Passover and Easter. Last Monday, 10 non-Jewish friends from all over the world (Scotland, Germany, Australia and the States) were in my home for a traditional Passover Seder. We laughed and shared as we told the story of Moses leading the Jews from slavery to freedom.

But what about slavery today? With human trafficking in Africa, children sold for slavery in India and slave workers in Pakistan, people all over the world are still tragically held hostage.

This horrifies us and yet, many of us are enslaved too. While we are blessed to be free in the United States, many of us hold ourselves hostage to harsh, negative thinking patterns that cause ourselves and others harm. Perhaps we are distant with love, hanging on to an old defense mechanism that served us well as kids. If you are like me, you think you're not good enough, "they" are not good enough or that others should think exactly like we do. In "The Resilience Factor" , Reivich & Shatte describe these thoughts as "iceberg beliefs" - thoughts that are so deep-rooted that we aren't conscious of them. Those that when hit, take our ship - our confidence, relationships, esteem - down.

I am learning, though, that we have a choice about these damaging beliefs. We can set them free. And thereby, set ourselves free.

Yesterday, I attended Catholic mass with friends for Easter (hey - they came to Passover Seder, right?) There, I understood the meaning of Easter for perhaps the first time. Easter is a celebration of rebirth. In this spirit, we can all begin anew. We can let old beliefs die. We can let go of old patterns that no longer serve us. We can choose to make room for new healthy beliefs, new loving thought patterns.

Together, these holidays tell a powerful story. We have been enslaved, but we can choose to be free.

Happy holidays to all.

Chicago Tribune Reports How I Used Gratitude to Change My Attitude

Happiness, meet science
By Nara Schoenberg
April 12, 2011

Not that we don't believe Glamour magazine and celebrity testimonials. But just to be sure, we asked top researchers which mood-boosting techniques work best.

Carin Rockind had a condo, a boat, a great job in corporate marketing and dozens of friends and business contacts, all based in Cleveland.

So when she decided to switch careers and enroll as a full-time psychology student at the University of Pennsylvania, she was, understandably, a little nervous.

"What am I doing?" she would ask herself as moving day approached "This is crazy. Who will I know? How am I going to eat?"

She had whipped herself up into near-panic when she decided to try one small thing. Every night before she went to bed, she wrote down at least three good things that had happened that day: a touching good-bye, perhaps, or an encouraging comment from her mom or a nice walk with her dog. Within days she was feeling more grateful, appreciative and calm. By the end of the month, she was brimming with excitement about the future.

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"It completely, 100 percent changed my attitude," says Rockind, 36.

Read on: http://bit.ly/hRXnS7

Call me PollyAnna! (But Know What That Means...)

So we've all heard the term "She's such a PollyAnna" - meaning, she unrealistically looks at life through rose-colored glasses. For those who have said or thought this - have you seen the movie or read the book?

I had the privilege of watching the movie last weekend and never again will I hear the term "PollyAnna-ish" the same. In fact, never again will I tolerate it as a short-hand way of saying excessive-unchecked-naive-optimism. It seems to me that PollyAnna was the first Positive Psychologist. She clearly saw the challenges of life - she wasn't oblivious to the sadness of losing her parents, the injustice of the chaotic orphanage, the harshness of the priest's sermon. She saw those things clearly, felt them and still CHOSE to find the good. This is positive psychology.

Positive Psychology was founded on the grounds of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The basic premise of Seligman's (1991) "Learned Optimism" is that we can learn to think differently about life's adversities. We can choose to see events as personal, pervasive and permanent... or we can choose to see them as not personal, isolated and temporary. What I love about PollyAnna is that she takes this a step further. She also chooses to see the positive. To operationalize Seligman's model, we can learn the The Resilience Factor by Reivitch & Shatte (2007) to identify our Beliefs and Consequences related to the event. For example, a friend passes us on the street without saying hello and we may have the "Belief" that she is mad at us and "Consequently" feel sad or angry. In the book, they teach us to question such "thinking trap" and find evidence that they may be (in)accurate. Back to our example - we could ask our friend if she saw us and we may find out that she was on the phone, or had just heard bad news and therefore wasn't paying attention and didn't see us. I've used this technique several times have found it to beautifully neutralize a situation. In other words, it takes us from a -6 to a 0. What PollyAnna adds is how to go from the 0 to a +3. She looks for the POSITIVE in a given situation. Back to our example again, she may say, well, this gives me an opportunity to call my friend later and see what's going on.

In the book/movie, her approach not only endears people to PollyAnna, but it helps them thrive. One character, Mrs. Snow comes alive again after a life of attention-seeking hypochondriac behavior. In fact, the whole town thrives. By instilling hope and optimism in individuals, they began to see that they could band together and accomplish their community goals! Christakis & Fowler (2007) found that happiness is contagious. People are happier when around happy people. Fredrickson (2009) teaches us that positive emotions broaden our mind and build our resources such that they help create trust and build relationships (among other things).

PollyAnna (or the writer/director/producer) knew these concepts before the field of Positive Psychology was born. What the field offers is the scientific base and evidence. Positive Psychology breaks down these concepts to find the drivers and mediators, the activators and nuances. And through understanding this science, I can now follow my calling - to help others develop realistic optimism that empowers them to build resilience, increase positivity, find meaning and enhance relationships such that they achieve their dreams.... and ultimately FLOURISH. Call me POLLYANNA!

Get a taste of Positive Psychology - Free Wine & Cheese Mini-Seminar April 15

Wine, Cheese & the KEYS to a FLOURISHING life! Mini-seminar for fabulous Cleveland women. April 15, 5 - 7 pm. Join us!

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I Have a Dream: To Treat You as YOU Wish to Be Treated

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a national U.S. holiday. As we think about Dr. King’s dream that one day, our nation – and perhaps the world – would be united as one people who loved each other equally regardless of race, nationality, religion or any other division upon which we discriminate today. He hoped all children would play together, all people could work together and that we would each treat each other with the respect and dignity that we not only deserve, but that we want from others.

How are we doing, Dr. King? With the recent tragedy in Arizona, discrimination against same-sex marriage, and countless other tragedies of prejudice, we are far from realizing the dream.

It's the simple Golden Rule, right? Treat others as we want to be treated??!!?

Perhaps, though, this is the issue... Perhaps we shouldn’t treat others as we want to be treated, but instead we should treat others as they want to be treated. Known as “The Platinum Rule”, it makes a heck of a lot more sense to me.

Yes, we all equals, but we are not all the same. Rather, it is our differences which make us unique and beautiful. Perhaps you most value kindness, while your neighbor most values courage. This is what Positive Psychology is all about - leveraging our strengths to live a better life. Perhaps your daughter is gifted in sports, while your son is a talented artist. What a beautiful world it would be if we honored each person’s individual strengths, and appealed to each other’s values!

As Gary Chapman quips in his theory, “Love Languages”, the issue with most marriages is that we love our partners as we most feel love, not as they do. In other words, we speak to them in Chinese when they only understand Russian. With a simple tool, we can learn our partner’s primary “love language” and love them in a way they can hear it.

What if we could understand our neighbors, our co-workers, our adversaries in this way? What if we learned to speak their language so that we better understood them and they better heard us? We each have different backgrounds, values, dreams and desires. To fulfill Dr. King’s dream, I propose that we get to know each others’ strengths, that we learn to speak each others’ languages and treat each other as he or she most wants to be treated.

Have a meaningful week.